Survival Isn’t a Sob Story

The Art of Not Explaining Yourself

Women are often expected to narrate their pain in digestible ways. We’re taught that our survival must come with a backstory, a lesson, a silver lining. If we’ve been through something, we’d better turn it into inspiration, education—or redemption.

But survival doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.

This article is a call to reclaim your story as your own—not as public property, not as content, not as a justification for your boundaries, your healing, or your silence. You don’t need to explain why you’re the way you are. You get to just be.

The Social Performance of Pain

In a culture of overexposure and performative vulnerability, women—especially those who’ve experienced trauma—are often encouraged to “tell their story” in a way that is:

• Polished

• Relatable

• Inspirational

• Marketable

But the pressure to explain yourself can be another form of control.

As researcher Roxane Gay notes, "We expect survivors to perform their pain. If they’re not crying or shaking, we question their story."

When Survival Becomes Currency

In the wellness and coaching industries, stories of survival are often commodified:

• “If I can heal, so can you”—followed by a course or membership

• Personal trauma shared as a sales funnel

• Social media posts mining pain for engagement

This turns survival into a sob story instead of what it is: sacred. Private. Yours.

The Right to Withhold

You do not have to:

• Share your story to be believed

• Relive your pain to earn respect

• Explain your triggers to validate your boundaries

• Turn every wound into a wisdom quote

Dr. Thema Bryant reminds us that privacy can be a protective boundary, not a sign of avoidance.

Your story belongs first to you. Before the therapist. Before the page. Before the world.

Not Explaining Is a Spiritual Practice

Silence can be power—not the silence of suppression, but of sovereignty.

You are not obligated to:

• Tell someone why you’re leaving

• Justify why a space feels unsafe

• Prove that you’ve changed

• Perform humility or pain to stay connected

You can simply choose. You can walk away. You can protect your peace.

And you can do all this without turning your life into a TED Talk.

Survival Is Enough

You survived. You made it. That is the story.

What you share, and with whom, is sacred. You get to keep your story close, or offer it selectively. You get to be the author, not the exhibit.

Survival doesn’t need a lesson plan. It doesn’t have to be uplifting. It just has to be true.

And truth doesn’t need to be explained to be honoured.

References

• Bryant, T. (2021). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self. TarcherPerigee.

• Gay, R. (2017). Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body. HarperCollins.

• Lorde, A. (1984). Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. Crossing Press.