Stop Calling It a Lesson

Not Everything We Survive Was Meant to Teach Us

Some things weren’t sent to teach you. They were sent to break you—and you survived anyway. That doesn’t make the pain sacred. It makes you sovereign.

In healing spaces, there’s a subtle, dangerous narrative: that everything happens for a reason. That every betrayal, every trauma, every violation was a divine lesson. That if we just look closely enough, we’ll find the wisdom we were “meant” to learn.

But not everything is a lesson. Some things are just violence. And to survive them is not an invitation to spiritualise the harm—it’s an invitation to honour your resilience without glorifying what hurt you.

The Toxic Shine of “Everything’s a Lesson”

It sounds enlightened:

• “What was this here to teach you?”

• “Your soul chose this for your evolution.”

• “Look at the gift in the pain.”

But what happens when these ideas land on a woman who’s been assaulted, abused, silenced, or erased?

They bypass the body. They ignore injustice. They silence rage.

As Dr. Thema Bryant says, “Don’t confuse being resilient with being required to endure.”

When Meaning-Making Becomes Self-Gaslighting

Meaning-making is a natural part of healing. But when it’s forced—when we’re told we must find the silver lining—it becomes self-gaslighting.

Instead of validating our pain, we:

• Blame ourselves for not "learning the lesson" fast enough

• Stay in harmful dynamics to prove we’re "evolving"

• Bypass necessary anger and grief with performative peace

This isn’t healing. It’s spiritual perfectionism.

Some Experiences Just Need Witnessing

You don’t have to extract wisdom from every wound. You can say:

• That should never have happened.

• I didn’t deserve that.

• I don’t need to turn this into anything profound.

Sometimes the most sacred thing you can do is stop trying to make meaning—and just feel. To let the rage rise. To cry without explaining. To say, this was wrong, and not follow it with a disclaimer.

Trauma Isn’t a Curriculum

You didn’t sign up for abuse. Your body didn’t need to be violated to grow. Your worth wasn’t forged in violence.

Yes, you are strong. But strength doesn’t require you to call the fire holy.

As writer Kai Cheng Thom says, “Healing is not about becoming grateful for our suffering. It is about becoming free.”

You Can Be Whole Without Glorifying the Pain

You are allowed to:

• Leave the past behind without wrapping it in a spiritual bow

• Grieve what happened without calling it a gift

• Stop mining your trauma for insight

• Be whole because you chose to heal—not because the pain made you wiser

You don’t owe your healing to the harm.

Conclusion: You Were Never the Lesson

You are not the student of someone else’s cruelty. You are not the grateful survivor of spiritual violence. You are not required to forgive, reframe, or make your pain palatable.

You are the one who lived. You are the one who gets to decide what your pain means—if anything at all.

Not everything you survive was meant to teach you. Sometimes, it was just meant to end.

References

• Bryant, T. (2021). Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self. TarcherPerigee.

• Thom, K. C. (2021). I Hope We Choose Love: A Trans Girl's Notes from the End of the World. Arsenal Pulp Press.

• Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence. Basic Books.

• Lorde, A. (1984). Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. Crossing Press.